10th January 2016
Budapest, Hungary
October 2015 – January 2016
Immediately after moving from Finland to Hungary I noticed that I will have to update my way to interact with women. The way how Hungarian girls present themselves to a man (at least) in surface level was very different compared to what I was used to in Finland. At first, I saw it as a great opportunity to grow as a man. After all girl is a wonderful mirror showing your weaknesses and strengths as a man.
After meeting several girls, I faced my unwillingness to change and accommodate to a new dating culture. I felt that façade of innocence that girls put out was fake. I had a hard time to believe that I had to act differently with Hungarian girls. Along with language barrier, this led to a situation that I didn’t enjoy dates as much I used to in Finland. Even girl’s physical attractiveness didn’t help.
When I met few girls that I actually enjoyed spending time, it naturally meant more to me. Girl of this story was a girl that I immediately felt that I would enjoy spending time with. After bantering on Happn (dating app), we set up a date to get drinks in my neighborhood.
I went get her from to nearby metro station. Seeing her in the black skirt, high heels and glitter in her eyes affirmed my gut feeling that I would get along with her. Talking with her was effortless and felt natural to be very close to her. I took a mental note on her bossiness from begin which I gathered was normal for a lawyer girl.
We sat down for drinks and food on the terrace of the restaurant next to my place. Being close and bantering was pleasurable with her. Admiring her figure under black dress energized me. Touching her felt natural. She had a cute unique face that was radiant and adorable voice. But I learned in my previous relationship that there is usually pain behind such joyful front.
I was attracted to her and I took to my apartment where I soon kissed her and as we laid in my “bed” (= my sorry excuse for a bed that I built from tent mattress and blankets). I felt the passion that I rarely feel while touching a girl and started undressing her. She seemed horny but stopped me. She was already a mixture of tangled clothes and pure nudeness. I went for it multiple times as I super aroused.
She kept telling that she wasn’t comfortable yet to have sex. For some reason, she also felt the need to tell me that she only sex with six guys before and also that she was still in love with her ex-boyfriend. Yet she had after that already have had a long fuckbuddy relationship, which had been very fulfilling to her sexually. For some reason, I still accepted logically that she wasn’t ready to have sex yet.
Going Downhill
Afterwards, we kept seeing once every week or two weeks. Meeting not too often has been my way to show that I don’t want to pursue a serious relationship. Although I genuinely liked her I knew that I would leave the country soon. We had dates in restaurant, bath house and my place. After we didn’t have sex at the first time I lost some drive to show my attraction to her and replaced it with stupid mind games. I went to stories about my Finnish gay lovers and pushed her away. However, next time we met we fooled around some.
Her behavior changed. Every time we met after few minutes she said that she didn’t want to have sex. To my detriment, I didn’t react to this but just ignored it and my desires as a man as I still thought she was attractive. She also kept asking me if I liked her and if I thought she was pretty. Sadly I ignored these completely by being aloof and joking.
Fourth time we saw she came to my place bake cookies. She remembered to say this time as well that she didn’t want to have sex. After baking cookies she said that she wants to have sex as she had a six-month dry spell. She kept changing her mind and went back and forth while I didn’t put any effort to convince her or owning the situation by showing my passion for her.
What finally resulted was, I’m sure, the worst sex experience that neither of has ever had. She didn’t want any intimacy but just get it in to get over of mental barrier of not having sex for a long time. For some reason, I still appreciated the humor in the situation. She already earlier mentioned that she loves anal sex but that I didn’t deliver. Although I was completely up for it.
Afterwards, we kept still meeting as I enjoyed her company and feeling seem to be mutual. She took the effort to touch me and be close. She also showed interest to me asking many questions and trying to connect. As I knew that relationship was over as man-to-woman way, I become more aloof and didn’t put effort on connecting with her. I didn’t show any physical interest to her although I was still attracted to her. We didn’t have sex after the first time and she continued to begin every meet that she didn’t want to have sex.
She invited kindly me to spend Christmas with her family but I was set to travel in the Balkans during holidays. She also tried to introduce me to her friends which I ignored. After three weeks I returned and I was happy to meet her again. As I didn’t lead as a man should have, we had some back and forth discussion what to do. Finally, we decided to cook at my place on her suggestion. She also started this meet saying that she doesn’t want to have sex. While we were cooking she told me that she met a guy through Happn. They had a great time during holidays and they would keep seeing each other as man-to-woman. Although they wouldn’t pursue a serious relationship.
Hearing it I knew I that I hit a rock bottom as a man in this relationship and there wouldn’t be more to do than excuse myself politely from meeting her further. In which I failed miserably. In that moment, I didn’t own the fact that my actions or failure of being a man to her had led to this. After few years, it was the first time I felt any jealousy. I was completely okay that she meets other guys but the fact that she was having sex others but not with me was too much for my ego.
I failed to appreciate her honesty and exert my boundaries as a man by telling her reasons why I couldn’t keep seeing her anymore. This is my story of a failure to apply principles that I already knew to be true but failed to apply, which forced me to revise these lessons.
Lessons learned:
1. Lead every interaction with women. Selecting venues, leading conversations, observing and appreciating her beauty every level, reveling my intentions/desires and going for what I want
2. Exercising my boundaries. It is not okay that girl comes to meet you on a date and she tells you that she doesn’t want to have sex. You have to address the issue and tell that you are attracted to her but if the feeling is not mutual, you shouldn’t keep meeting.
3. Girls are sexual creatures. If she is not fucking you, she is fucking someone else. Own your desires and go for unapologetically what you want. Girls will test, don’t listen to their words but actions. If she comfortable to be close to you go for it, girls like to be taken.
4. Connect with her emotionally. If girls make genuine effort to connect with you, let her. Open and share about yourself in an appropriate way. In return appreciate everything about her you like.
5. Make your intentions clear. Don’t stay aloof but explain clearly what kind of relationship you want to have with the girl. A confused girl is one that will not open up to you in emotional or physical level.
After I told the girl in question that I don’t want to keep seeing her, I sent this story to her for review. Here is her response.
Viking Flaneur 